Whispered Like Prayers
by SamanthaSarcasm
Summary: Spock finds himself having feelings for someone, and he does not know what to do. Will he overcome these feelings, or embrace them? Will be Spock/Kirk slash. AU - Spock's mother didn't die. *Takes place a very short time after the movie*
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my first Star Trek Fanfiction written in Spock's POV. It's also the first Star Trek Fanfic I've actually posted. Please R&R. I'd like to know if my "Spock Voice" fits his character. Don't worry, in later chapters you'll find out who he's having feelings for. Although…It seems somewhat obvious. To me at least. Anyway, the more reviews, the quicker I'll update! Thank you! **

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I had always wondered what it would be like; ever since I'd been a child. A human kiss; living most of my years on Vulcan, it was an experience I'd been deprived of. And I'd only experienced a Vulcan kiss once in my live. The first time had been when I was a small child; with my first crush. I couldn't remember what it had felt like to be honest, having been so young. But it seemed logical that the kiss could not have been as powerful as it should have been; both of us had been so young, and not really knowing what we had been doing. The desire to experience either intimate exchange was something I'd carried with me for most of my life, which was odd, seeing as any other physical contact was unappealing to me, in most occasions.

Although, while I had been in a romantic relationship with Nyota, and we did engage in human kisses whilst given the rare opportunity; the kisses between the two of us had been illogically…dissatisfying. The moment those thoughts made themselves known in my head, I regretted them. Nyota was a lovely woman, and there no logical reason behind finding myself not as attracted to her as she was to me. It was not in my nature to hurt others, and bring about emotions such as heartbreak, but I could not find it in myself to resolve the lack of desire for her, so I had no other option. Staying involved in the relationship would only end worse, and would hurt us both more than ending it sooner.

My longing for a true, as human's may refer to as "mind-blowing"- and although I found this term confusing and illogical, I could not find another term that made sense of how I was feeling - human kiss, and the sudden and unexplainable feelings I was suddenly experiencing did not bring me any sort of comfort. On the contrary, it put me in a permanent state of discomfort. I also found these feelings, and the inappropriate thoughts that same with these feelings, were keeping me from doing my job up to my usual standard. Although my desire to perform to the best of my ability as the new first officer on The Enterprise was something I'd – up until recently – kept as my first priority, my desire to explore, or – if need be – resolve, these feelings was strangely greater. And this realization put me in a difficult position that I'd never thought the need to prepare myself to be ready to handle, let alone handle it well.

"Spock; you okay?" A voice snapped my attention back into reality. I blinked to bring myself fully back out of my thoughts, and stood up abruptly.

"Yes Captain. Permission to attend to my personal quarters for a short while, sir." I requested, making sure to stand up straight, and keep my composure completely formal. He furrowed his brows, most likely due to confusion. Then, he shrugged – a physical gesture he knew I was not particularly fond of, but he continued to use consistently – and then nodded simply.

"I don't see why not…" I did not wait for further response. I turned on my heel sharply and head for my personal quarters. On my way there, I saw my mother walking leisurely through one of the halls. In an attempt to avoid interacting in conversation, I simply nodded and walked past her. But, despite my wishes, I could hear her footsteps speed up to catch up with me, and then she was at my side.

"Everything alright, Spock?" My mother asked me, her voice full of worry. I nodded curtly as I entered the authorization code to enter my quarters.

"Of course, mother. Just a small distress; nothing a simple distraction cannot diminish." I dismissed, and walked into my quarters. She followed me inside, and touched my arm, in order to get my undivided attention. Reluctantly – another feeling I found myself guiltily feeling; I had no reason to feel reluctant towards my mother– I turned to face her. She raised her hand up to touch my face, and I grabbed her wrist gently to stop her, trying my best not to offend her.

"I assure you mother; I am fine." I told her half heartedly. She tilted her head as she looked at me worriedly, despite my efforts to prevent it.

"It was you who once told me that fine was unacceptable." She spoke softly. I looked at the ground, using the moment to collect myself.

"Tell me what's on your mind, Spock." She continued, unaware of just what she was asking.

"That would be very unwise." I answered slowly, and quietly; in somewhat of a haze as I tried not to lose myself in my own thoughts again. I remained looking at the floor; but I knew she was still staring, and her gaze made me nervous.

"And why is that?" She asked, the concern evident in her voice.

"Not even I understand the thoughts in my head. It would be illogical to expect you to." I regretted the words immediately, afraid that they would hurt her. I hadn't meant to imply that she couldn't understand me – her own son. I looked up at her apologetically.

"That was inconsiderate. I," She began talking before I could finish.

"There's no need to apologize, Spock. All I want from you is to talk to me. Trust me with whatever is going on inside that amazing mind of yours." Her small praise of my mind only made me feel more uncomfortable. She grabbed my arm gently again, and guided me so that we could sit on my bed. I looked up at her, trying to keep myself composed. She smiled, although it was a sad smile, and rubbed her thumb against my arm to try to comfort me.

"Let me know what's going on with you." She repeated. I looked down at her hand, deciding it would be less uncomfortable for me to focus my attention there as I spoke, instead of at her constant stare.

"I am regretting my decision not to purge myself of human emotion." I admitted quietly. It took a moment for her to answer, seeing as I'd probably taken her off guard.

"Why is that?"

"Although I've experienced human emotion all my life, I've never experienced a feeling quite like this before. I'm unable to understand and control it." She sighed at my words.

"Something tells me this has something to do with romantic feelings." She observed. Despite my efforts, I looked up at her.

"I…yes. How did you," She answered the question before I could ask it.

"No one actually understands what love is. Or why they feel it for someone. That is why it is as powerful as it is. It is, as you would say, illogical. That's what makes it as great as it is. Sometimes the greatest things in life are the things that are impossible to understand." She explained to me. I shook my head.

"It is not great; it is discomforting. I've always understood, on some level, what I was feeling. Or at least why I was feeling it. I do not know what to do with these feelings. Ignoring them is not working the way I'd hoped. It has, if possible, made it worse. I'm completely helpless in this situation. It is most unsettling." I told her, my eyes still fixed on her hand.

"Spock. Spock, look at me. Please." She requested, a hint of desperation in her voice. I looked up, unable to deny her wishes.

"You are never helpless, Spock. No matter what the situation. You just haven't figured out how to help yourself yet." I looked down again.

"I do not know if I will be able to." I felt so weak for saying the words, but they were true. I had no idea how to handle the situation. She moved her hand away from my arm, and ran it through my hair; an –unsuccessful – attempt to comfort me. I gently stopped her, and stood up.

"Thank you, mother; for attempting to help my situation. But I do think I am in need of some rest." I said, a little more curtly than I'd intended. She smiled sadly at me once again as she stood up.

"Alright, Spock. But if you need anything, you know where to find me." She reassured me and stepped forward towards me. I nodded.

"Thank you, Mother." She stroked my face with her hand again, and this time I did not pull away. I still did not pull away as she pulled me into a hug. I embraced her as well, allowing myself to be comforted. For the moment, at least.

"Goodnight, Spock." She said as she pulled away.

"Goodnight, Mother."

**TBC.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry it took me a bit to update. My friend was in town for the weekend, so I got distracted. So, about the story… Yes, this is going to be slash. I'm sorry if this means that some of you stop reading. I hope you don't though. Anyway, thanks for the reviews, and please keep them coming, they mean a lot. I like hearing what you think of the story so far. And I can use the constructive criticism. I love all you guys!**

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Although I'd turned in rather early, sleep was something I didn't get much of. The dreams that had been plaguing me for nights on end made me fear sleep. The last thing I needed was for these dreams to make matters worse for me. So instead, I busied myself with other things for most of the night, and lied on my bed restlessly when all else had failed. I just needed to keep reminding myself of why I was here; to work, not to fall in _love _or _lust._ I needed to work on my priorities and not allow this to distract me further. I loved my place here on the Enterprise. I couldn't let myself lose it because I couldn't rid myself of these strange, inappropriate thoughts.

I'd never quite understood the human concept of talking to yourself when you could simply think to yourself, but it was a habit I'd picked up lately. I'd often find myself muttering to myself, instead of just thinking the words. This wasn't particularly helpful when I did it when on the job, and people might hear things I'd rather keep to myself. I kept telling myself that I could get over this strange infatuation. That I could forget about it, and then everything would be okay; then everything would be normal. I needed to get over this. I continuously told myself this; my words whispered like prayers. Prayers that remained unanswered.

Instead, I continued through the torture silently; keeping my best composed face whilst around others. The only one who seemed to notice the difference – at least that I could tell – was my mother. She knew me better than I'd given her credit for in the past, and she continued trying to get past my defenses and help me. But I did not want help. I needed to be able to work this out on my own. That way, if the situation were to ever occur again; it wouldn't be quite so agonizing. Hopefully, at least.

I was one of the first into the cafeteria. Being an early riser – or having not slept to begin with – that happened a lot. Although, I was surprised to see Captain Kirk sitting at one of the tables, and by himself none the less. I could feel my heartbeat increase as it started pounding louder in my chest, and I was surprised no one else could hear it. He saw me and smiled flawlessly at me. I adverted my eyes away from him as soon as possible, but I knew my cheeks were already tinged green. I grabbed my food quickly, and then looked for a place to seat.

I – despite my brain's plea not to – snuck another glance at the Captain, and was surprised when he was looking at me. When our eyes met, he smiled again, and gestured me to join him. Regretfully, I walked towards him. I did not need to put myself through this torture when I could avoid it, but part of me wanted to go over to him; to be closer to him. Also, he was the Captain. It would be disrespectful to ignore his wishes. So I forced myself to sit down across from him.

"Hey. What's up?" He asked casually. I looked up, confused by the question. I thought the answer was rather obvious; the ceiling. When I looked back at him and went to answer, he held a hand up.

"Never mind. So are you okay?" I focused on my food as I answered; I knew I was usually good at hiding my emotions, but I knew my eyes had been defying me lately.

"Of course, Captain. I have no reason to be otherwise." I reassured him, and then took a bite of my food.

"What about you? Usually you are not awake until hours from now." I asked when he remained silent. He shrugged, and I knew he saw the displeasure on my face when he did so.

"Sorry. I know you hate that. I'm alright I guess; just worried about my first officer." I looked up at him, and he was watching me carefully. I attempted a smile, hoping it was more convincing then I found it to be.

"Your worries are unnecessary. I'm quite alright, thank you, Captain." The moment the words left my lips I could hear how false they sounded. And judging by Kirk's facial expression; he could hear it as well.

"You sure? You've been acting a bit…weird…lately. Is something going on?" He continued to pry. But, to keep up appearances, I kept my annoyance to myself. Instead, I just nodded curtly.

"Of course."

We ate the rest of our meals in silence, and when I was finished eating, I left as quickly as possible as to avoid any protests. I found myself walking aimlessly through the hall of The Enterprise, which was something I'd never done before. I'd never understood the human idea of walking just to walk. Walking was to get places, not to occupy you while you are lost in thought. Although, there I was, once again doing human things that had never made sense to me before.

Why did these feelings have to affect me this way? Why did they have to affect every aspect of my life? Why couldn't I rid myself of this burden? I had never been taught what to do in this situation. Why was that? Had no one considered that being half human that this disturbance may occur? Why can't I just get over this?!

"Get over what?!" A voice asked loudly. I blinked a few times, and then took in my surroundings. I was just outside the medical wing, and Doctor McCoy was standing next to me, looking at me strangely. I let out a sharp breath as I composed myself.

"Nothing, Doctor."

"Well…Your 'nothing' was a bit loud. If you could keep it down please... I'm a Doctor, not a deaf person." His sarcasm aggravated me, but I kept it to myself.

"Of course. My apologies." That just made him look at me cautiously.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked seriously. I shook my head curtly.

"Nothing." He didn't seem so convinced.

"You sure? You are in a medical wing, ya know. I could help if there's something wrong." His offer seemed to be out of genuine concern; which in normal circumstances would seem fascinating to me, but at the moment it only aggravated me further.

"I assure you – _again_ – that I am quite alright. Now, if you'll excuse me." And with that, I turned sharply and left without waiting for further comments.

I could tell by the glances the people around me gave me, that I wasn't hiding my anger very well. What was wrong with me? Did I have no self control anymore? Perhaps leaving the ship would be best. Although I loved it here, this infatuation was affecting me in more ways than I could handle. Maybe spending some time away would help me overcome it. And maybe I could return someday. Also, the remaining Vulcans needed as much help as they could acquire. Surely Jim, _Captain_, I reminded myself forcefully, would understand.

But I didn't want to leave. It pleasured me, serving aboard the Enterprise. I'd acquainted myself with some fascinating people, and found myself not wanting to part with them. Especially not with _him._ But that was the problem, wasn't it? I needed to get away from him. It pained me to be here. But it would pain me to leave, as well.

Like a few nights before, I once again found my mother walking the halls alone, and what seemed to be without purpose, just as I. She noticed me as well, and I knew that she – like last time – would notice that something was off. But still, I approached her.

"Hello, Spock." She greeted, smiling warmly at me. My mother's smile was always admirable. It comforted me. Most of the time, at least. But now, the comfort barely made it into my system. I held her my arm. She took it, and we began to walk.

"Hello, Mother. Is everything alright? I seem to find you walking along the halls alone on more occasions than with father, and the others." She waved her free hand in the air, a human gesture of dismissal that I'd never used.

"Everything is great. You don't need to worry about me. I'm more concerned about you, anyway."

"Mother," I began, my voice rather weak. I inhaled sharply. I needed to pull myself together.

"Spock…May I ask you something, without you getting angry?" She asked, worry in her voice.

"Of course." I answered immediately. I couldn't imagine my mother having the ability to anger me. She sighed and stepped so that she was standing in front of me. She glanced around, as if to see if anyone were listening. Then, she turned to me again, looking me right in the eyes. I met her gaze, only to not be inconsiderate. I didn't like look people in the eyes lately. Of course, it was respectful, and I had to in most cases, but if I didn't have to, I avoided it. My eyes had been betraying my emotions. I could see it when I looked at myself in a mirror. And I could see it in other people's facial expressions when they looked at me that they saw it as well.

"Is it Captain Kirk?" At that moment, I knew that not just my eyes gave away the emotions running through me. I tried to think of the words to say. _Yes Mother, I dream of kissing, amongst other things, another male. Not just any male, but the Captain of the ship I serve. I want it more than anything; I want him more than anyone._ Although my mother is supportive of me, the idea of speaking the truth seemed unwise. But remaining silent seemed to tell her just as much as the words I did not speak.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Spock." I found myself moving away from her. I'd told her I wouldn't get angry at her. But her words were false. Though, I wasn't angry at her for it. I was angry at myself for putting me in the situation to deserve the shame she was attempting to convince me didn't exist.

"Of course there is, mother!" My voice came out in a low, almost animal like sound. I let out a long breath to calm myself; or at least to allow it to appear that I'd calmed myself. I stepped closer to her again, to make sure no one else that might pass by – although there was no one at the moment – would hear me.

"I have feelings for another man! My own Captain, none the less! There is _a lot_ for me to be ashamed of!" I whispered. Then, I let out another breath. My voice sounded different. It was full of emotion; something I wasn't used to in my own voice. She tilted her head to the side – a gesture I'd learned was one of a sympathetic nature, which was the last thing I needed at the moment; sympathy – and reached out her hand to touch my face. I moved my head away and stepped back before she could. She lowered her hand slowly, and I knew I'd hurt her. Why did this have to affect me so? She had done nothing wrong; why did I act this way towards her? There was no reason to. Why was I so out of line now? I wanted to apologize, but I could not find my voice; as if all emotions I'd been holding back for the past couple weeks were stuck in my throat, making it unable for me to speak, or even breathe correctly.

"Maybe we should talk when you aren't so upset." She said, her voice quiet. I looked to the ground, not wanting to see the hurt expression on her face any longer.

"I'm sorry, mother." My voice equally quiet.

"I know. It's alright. I just want you to be alright, Spock. I can see the affect this is having on you. It's not going to get easier until you accept what you're feeling. I don't like seeing you so strained. Please… Don't hurt yourself more." She stroked my hair lovingly, and then began walking away. I waited until I could no longer hear her footsteps to look away from the ground.

Her advice was sound. It was logical; to need to accept something was there before you could force it away. But I did not want to accept it. I desired to keep ignoring it. It was already plaguing my mind enough as it was. I couldn't imagine how much more known it would make itself in my mind when I accepted it was there. What if when I accepted it, I found a desire to act on it? No. That could not happen; not under any circumstances. I could lose my place on the Enterprise. But what if I accepted it, and didn't act on it? The pain would only worsen. What if I simply decided to discard my mother's advice, and not accept it? Still, just more pain.

A no win scenario.

My own personal Kobayashi Maru.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it took me a while to update. I promise i won't let it take that long again. Keep the reviews coming people!! Thanks. Love you all.**

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I'd barely pulled myself together after the encounter with my mother, when I saw Jim, _Captain Kirk_, walking towards me. I knew the possibility of avoiding conversation was unlikely, so I didn't bother to make an attempt. He smiled as he reached me, then turned to be walking in the same direction I was.

"I am aware that my shift begins in four minutes, and I am on my way to the deck." I started, foolishly hoping that was what he was here to discuss.

"Huh? Oh, right. That's not want I'm here to talk to you about..." He trailed off, and I could hear the hesitance in his voice. Part of me wished that the hesitance would prevent him from continuing, but my wish wan not granted.

"I saw you and your mom talking earlier," he started cautiously.

"What?!" I interrupted, forgetting my manners for a moment. He spoke before I could apologize.

"Don't worry, I wasn't listening in or anything… It's just that you both looked upset, and that's weird; for her to be upset when talking to you, and for you to look upset at all… I was just wondering if everything's okay." He continued, paying no mind to my inappropriate outburst.

"Everything is alright, Captain." I almost winced at how false the words sounded, but I controlled myself. He reached out a hand and placed in on my chest to stop me from walking further. I immediately backed away from his touch, no matter how much part of me didn't want to. He lowered his hand.

"Sorry. I know you hate being touched, or whatever. But I don't appreciate you lying to me." He said, his face inches from the side of my own. Once again, I moved away.

"Lying to you would be illogical, Captain, and I do not understand the accusation."

"Oh the hell you don't, Spock. Look, I'm sick this crap, okay? I don't have time for this. Well…I guess I kinda do…but that's not the point." He said, raising his voice angrily.

"Then what is the point, Captain?" I asked, not daring to look at him.

"The point is; I'm sick in tired of this bullshit, so I want you to tell me what the hell is going on!" He shouted, and I was extremely conscious of the people that had stopped to stare at us. I could feel the blood rising to my face, and I looked at the ground, lowering my voice so that the bystanders did not hear me.

"I do not feel it appropriate to discuss the matter here, Captain." He looked around after hearing my words, and I could see him beginning to blush as well. I'd never really seen him blush before, but it was quite a pleasant sight. Which was why I made myself look away; I needed to push all of those thoughts and emotions out of my head.

"Everyone…Back to work. There's nothing to see here. C'mon, get outta here!" He ordered when people were hesitant to move along. When the hallway was cleared or all people, he turned to me again, staring at me expectantly. But, I did not say anything.

"Well?" He said, his voice impatient.

"I do not believe that my personal business is any concern to you, Captain." I said, keeping my voice steady, which was particularly hard to do at the moment. He laughed, but there was no humor to it; just anger, and annoyance.

"Yeah, actually, it is when it is affecting your performance when working on _my_ ship! So you better tell me what the hell is going on or I'll…" He trailed off.

"Or you'll what, Captain?" I asked, confused at his failure to complete the statement. He shook his head, and looked at me pointedly. He huffed a few times, as if trying to think of what to say.

"I'll relieve you of your duties as first officer!" He finally managed to get out. I stared at him.

"If you were willing to do so over this issue, you would have already, Captain." I said boldly, hoping my statement was correct.

"Wanna bet?" He snapped.

"I do not understand the human concept of," He cut me off.

"It _means_, try me. It _means_, do you really want to take that risk? It _means_," this time it was I who cut him off.

"I understand your point, Captain. But I stick by my statement. My personal business is nothing of your concern, and I am more than capable of taking care of myself,"

"Well apparently not." He muttered. I stopped speaking, and stood up straight.

"If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my shift now." I said formally.

"I'm not finished."

"But I am, Captain. There is nothing to discuss. _Excuse me_, I have a job to do." I said curtly, and walked past him. I did not hear his footsteps behind me. I walked into the elevator, and the moment the doors closed, I let out a shaky breath, and had to place my hands on the wall of the elevator to steady myself when I swayed where I stood. I couldn't allow myself to even _think_ about telling him what he wants to know. Or, what he_ thinks _he wants to know. He would regret asking me the moment I told him. He would relieve me of my duties, and our friendship –although I use the term rather loosely – would be ruined. It would be illogical to tell him, and completely inappropriate. I knew the elevator was about to stop, so I straightened my posture, and composed my face. When the doors opened, I immediately saw Jim. How did he get back here so quickly? Awkwardly, I adverted my eyes and strode to my place on the deck.

My shift was uneventful, and I was more than relieved when it ended. This disturbed me, since I enjoyed my job. But I was glad to get away from Jim's constant stare. It made it hard to focus, and it was difficult not to look at those amazingly blue eyes. I sighed to myself angrily as I walked to me quarters, upset for allowing myself to have such a thought. I saw my mother, once again, as I was walking. Was there going to be a time when I _didn't_ find her walking along the halls? I entered the code to open the door to my quarters. When she spotted me, she walked straight over to me, determined.

"You need to tell him how you feel." She stated blatantly, when she reached me. There was no attempt to keep others from hearing the statement, and there was no cautiousness. She just looked at me, determined. I grabbed her arm as gently as possible, and pulled her into my quarters, shutting the doors behind me.

"Mother, you cannot simply say things like that, when other members of the crew could hear you. I'd rather they didn't know about my personal life. Please don't just say things so openly like that. You could have at least kept your voice down." I said, in almost a whisper.

"Well no one can hear us now, so you don't have to whisper." She pointed out. I didn't need to be afraid of people hearing me in here. And even if they had heard what she had said out in the hall, it wasn't enough for them to understand what and who she was referring to. Now I was being paranoid; just another thing that made this situation more difficult. I let out another breath, and pulled out a chair by my desk, and offered her the seat. She denied it, and sat down on my bed, and gestured me to sit with her.

"I cannot tell him, Mother. It is not that simple." I told her as a reluctantly sat down next to her. She sighed, and gave me a look I could not comprehend.

"It would be, if you didn't have the habit of over complicating things." She argued.

"I do not over complicate things; I just look at them logically." I disagreed.

"Not everything is supposed to be looked at logically, Spock. Sometimes they need to be looked at emotionally. Sometimes you need to think with your heart, not your mind."

"That is not how I was taught to handle situations." I told her.

"Well, I am sorry for that… I should have done more to make sure you understood how to think both ways." Her voice saddened a little, and I could hear the slight guilt in it.

"You did nothing wrong in raising me, Mother. You did an honorable job, and I thank you for that." I told her honestly. She smiled.

"Please, just promise me that you will tell him." She requested.

"I cannot." She sighed.

"I can't make you do anything…But I can't watch you like this. I'm going to find your father. If you need me, I will be in my room." She said, her voice upset. She stood up and walked to the door. I watched her leave silently, not knowing how to handle the situation properly.

"Spock, Jim wants you to meet him in his quarters." Doctor McCoy's voice said over the intercom in my quarters. I walked over to it.

"Do you know the motives behind the request?" I asked, confused.

"Damn it, Spock; I'm a doctor, not a mind reader. He just told me to tell you that he wants to see you." His disrespect annoyed me, but I did not linger on it.

"Alright. Thank you, Doctor." I said into the intercom, before reluctantly leaving my quarters.


	4. AN

Hello everyone. I just wanted to apologize for not updating in a long time. I'm **really really** sorry. I promise i'll have an update soon. I'm working on the next chapter now.


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